A new perspective...

Parenting is hard.  Parenting kids with special needs due to trauma and neglect  is really hard.  Parenting kids with reactive attachment disorder, ADHD, oppositional defiant disorder, PTSD, pervasive developmental disorder is difficult.  I can't do it alone.  I've read books and read books and prayed about it and prayed about it.  I love my kids and will never give up.  Some days are very draining and difficult.  Lots of behavior problems.  Lots of learning problems.  I felt God telling me a few months ago to keep bringing it to Him in prayer and He will guide me.  I don't have to do everything that the books say to do...I can't physically do it all.  However, I can trust God with my burdens and teach my children His ways, and He will work in their lives as well as in mine.  What a relief!!  So often, I try to do it myself when I just can't.  I can't make them change their ways...but God can open their hearts and work in their life if I just pray with them over certain issues and show them in scripture what God says about certain things.  So glad that we have a God that sees our hearts and can work in our lives.  Trying to make God the first priority in every day for all of us.  That is my habit that I really want to instill in all of us this year along with gratitude.  Even in the hard times, I am so greatful for my family.  I love each one of them and hope for the best for each one.  I want to be the best wife and Mom that I can be as well, but I need God to help me along the way...and to fill in those voids when I am drained and empty.  Thank you, God for being there for each one of us and for working in all of us.

The juggling act...

Having kids from 11, 7, 6, 5, and 2 makes for a real juggling act sometimes.  Especially since my 3 in the middle have some special needs.  We try to do things that give each of the kids special one-on-one time, but it's still difficult sometimes.  During the week, each kid has a day of the week where it is their day to run errands with the parents if we have to go to the store or do stuff like that.  That's our special time with just that one child.  However, my 6 year old goes to therapy 2-3 times a week and the others view that at not always fair.  We're trying to juggle everything and make it as fair as possible.  However, I know too that they're not always going to see things as fair and I'm slowly accepting that is ok too.  Some of my kids have more "needs" than others and we have to address that too.  We do a lot of explaining around here on why things are the way that they are and for the most part the kids are accepting of that.  The little ones don't always think it's fair that my oldest gets to do the things that she does, but that's just a perk of being older or sometimes I go out with her so that we can focus on "big girl" talks that the little ones aren't ready for.  That type of thing.  And of course, the baby gets attention because she's the baby.   My 7-year-old asked me the other day when we were going to go back to doing certain things with me and I was surprised to find that she missed doing the theraplay attachment games that we were doing.  I told her that we could start doing that again next week.  We try to have a family game night and a family movie night during the week too so that we're still bonding as a family and the kids have family nights to look forward too as well.  But, I am finding that they like their time that is set aside especially for them as well.  We're not always perfect with it...there are some times where we just go with the flow as lots is going on during the week, but we really try to make it where they have their own special day of the week and where we're doing our family themed nights as well.  There are of course times where Andy and I need time to ourselves too or to do our own things as well so we don't burn out either.  It's all a juggling act balancing 5 kids...2 bios and 3 adopted...2 without special needs and 3 with...but I'm also learning that God helps me to balance it all when I let Him guide me too.  Things go so much easier when I just let Him lead me and fill me up.  And I love it when I hear affirmations from my kids that they appreciate their own special time with us and time with our family too.  It can get out of balance sometimes, but God is good at helping me balance it back out when I just listen to Him.

God, thank You so much for helping me in this juggling act and thank You for filling me back up when I need You so that I have it "inside" to give back to my children and family.  Thank You for guiding me in my parenting journey and for helping me to help my children each feel special and unique and to enjoy our time together.  Amen

Presence

As my son continues to throw temper tantrums and get angry about things, I have discovered the power of just being present.  He is triggered by things every few minutes.  With the help of neurofeedback, he is starting to be able to not fall into a rage over every little thing and he'll let me remind him that he's in charge of his behavior.  If he starts kicking and banging and screaming, that's a sign to me that he needs some extra help in regulating himself and I will go sit with him until he's calm.  Once he's calm, we talk about things and address his feelings and we talk it through.  I forget sometimes just how powerful it is to my kids just in me being there.  They don't always like it, but they don't want me to go far either.  And sometimes they are even able to tell me afterwards that they just like me to be there.  Sometimes while they are throwing their fit, I choose to lift them up to the Lord and to ask for help with their behavior, not only for them, but sometimes for me too.

Lord, just like You are always present for us, help me always to be present for my children too.  Amen.

Respite

My husband and I haven't always had respite available.  We've tended to be more along the lines of really just relying on one another.  Anyone who has stepped up and helped usually burns out with my son and they no longer help.   I was posting on a trauma mom board about the fact that we were thinking about hiring in some therapeutic babysitters to help on a rotating schedule so that we weren't burning out our help that was willing.  I had no idea where to turn to find resources.  It's just another form of stress added to what we are dealing with every day to search for help.  But, another Mama said to me and it's so true the more and more that I think about it..."if our help is burning out and we're the ones that have them 24/7...can you just think how much we really NEED our respite?"  I will admit that I'm more than ready for school to start in a little over 2 1/2 weeks.  I am fried.  That's how summers usually roll though...June goes ok, July they start going downhill...and August is a really hard month and they go back to school at the end of the month.  So, I've decided to check with our local Christian university to see if they have any psych or teaching majors that would like to learn and get experience with our kids and maybe that will help us get some help and we won't be burning out just one person.  We've had to ask for help quite a bit lately while we've gotten our son started with his neurofeedback therapy and have been traveling an hour and a half each way three times a week.  We'll be able to cut that down to 2 times a week in a few weeks.  I know our kids can be draining.  I am starting to get after doing this for the past 5 years with barely any help or time away for just my husband and I too that we need time out together to work on our marriage as well.  So, we are going to reach out and humble ourselves and try to get some more resources of willing participants to help us.

Lord, we ask for Your guidance for some "perfect fits" for helpers for our family.  We ask for Christians who are willing to learn about our family and not cast judgment for behaviors that they see among our kids or being judgmental in the ways that we parent or ask them to treat behaviors which maybe they won't agree with.  We ask that they will find favor with our kids and that they will enjoy helping our family as well.  Also, I put the worry over having to pay for it all as well on top of everything else that we're having to pay for lately, into Your hands and trust that You will provide for us.  I also ask for help and guidance for any parent reading here that needs help finding some respite care as well.  It's hard to let our guards down sometimes and be willing to trust others with our precious gifts.  Amen

Life Books

My little one is 7 and she's been asking the past couple of days to look at her book.  I'm a couple of years behind, but she wanted to see what she looked like when she was little and see what we did back then.  So, I pulled it out and we sat and looked at the pictures and I read what I had journaled to her.  We shared lots of giggles and "hey, I remember that."  She was a little surprised when she asked me how there was a book in the store about her for me to say that I made it for her.  That meant so much to her.  I told her that once they start back to school, I'm going to work on each child's book each week until I can get all caught up.  I've hated that I've been so far behind with sending out pictures, doing life/scrap books and all that.  My poor baby is 2 and she doesn't even have a book yet.   That's gotta change.  I used to love doing it when I had more time and then I did it digitally for awhile...and now I really want to go back to doing paper.  I'll probably keep them simple until I'm caught up and have more time to spend on each little layout/story and all that.  But, spending that time with her helped me to see just how very important those books are...to me and to them.  They like to see their story written down and in pictures.  We can help them by creating it for them and they get to see that it's something special just for them and it was made warmly by us to preserve those memories.

Destructive Behavior

It hasn't been a good day around here with my son.  He started out the morning being very agressive, wouldn't calm down, and was doing everything he could to push buttons.  I told my girls to ignore him and when they finally did, he didn't like it and socked one of them to get their attention.  It became a morning of just trying to dodge behaviors and keep them from getting hurt and so I told him he was going to have to go to his room.  He was just out of control and it didn't stop in his room either.  He screamed that we hated him, that he just wanted to be downstairs, that he didn't want to be in his room, that he was hungry (he had just eaten), that he had to go to the bathroom.  He's broken hangers in his room, but the biggest thing that happened today in his room was this.  This is hole #3.  He did it with his feet.  All because he's not getting his way.  He ran off from me last night when we were leaving neurofeedback therapy and starting kicking the pea gravel at me all because I told him that we were eating at home and we weren't going to Whataburger.  This is my kid that always has to be first or he retaliates, whenever he's hungry I'm supposed to just give it to him or he retaliates, he wants what he wants and he expects it or he retaliates.  The rules don't apply to him.  He does whatever he wants.  When I don't give in, he retaliates.  He retaliates a lot.  We've taken things away, given extra chores, put him in his room, losing out on priveleges, spankings (that's my last resort when nothing else has worked for multiple offenses)...it makes no difference.I have come very close to taking him to the children's hospital over the past couple of weeks.  However, we're still trying to see if neurofeedback is going to help him and he has an appt today and tomorrow to help gather that info and we see the psychiatrist on Thursday so I'm just trying to hang in there.  To say this day has been challenging is an understatement.  I wound up having to get my Father-in-Law to come over to help for a bit so I could regroup and I had another adult here in case he escalated further.  I hate days like this.  I hate the fact that he's only 6.  I hate the fact that he can't see that his actions have consequences...nope in his mind...this is just all my fault.  I hate to see that he is so full of anger.  I just wish he would learn to comply with rules and not hurt others.  He doesn't see how his behavior effects others at all.  No remorse for anybody that he hurts or anything that he damages.  He has to pay it back...yet he doesn't care enough to change the behavior.

Lord, help our children that struggle with destructive behavior to let go of their anger in a more positive way. Help us as parents to seek guidance from the Holy Spirit to know what to do in these instances too.  They can be so overwhelming at times.  Amen.

Anxiety

Sometimes I wonder if hearing from the birth family will ever quit causing anxiety for me. I understand that they didn't grow from my tummy and that the birth family will always be a part of them. I strongly get that.  We have a semi-open adoption with our kids birthparents. I do pictures on a blog with updates for them so that they can watch their children grow. We were going to allow visitation with the girls and their birthfamily. But due to some circumstances, we felt that wasn't in their best interests any longer. They haven't seen her in a couple of years. They don't ask to see her or anything and I've always told their birthmom that if they got older and they wanted to see her that I would help them to do that. I wound up having to change my cell phone number and all of that stuff as one of them was constantly calling or texting me all of the time and it was too stressful being in constant contact. So, I made the break and started doing everything on a blog format instead of by cell phones and e-mail. It was probably one of the best things that I ever did. It's given me the break that I needed so that I wasn't dreading every time my cell phone went off and I could open my email and not see a ton of emails wanting this or that multiple times a day. It gave us boundaries. Those are a good thing. :-) I still do the blog for her and she checks in sporadically. Sometimes I still feel anxiety about it. I understand that she just wants to see them grow and she wants to know how and what they're doing.  Sometimes I feel torn on wanting to be there for her too, but yet God has told me that my children are my priority.  I heard that message loud and clear.  I can't do both.  At least not right now.  Yet, why do I feel anxious when she requests things? I know why if I really think about it...I want to be so on top of things, that she doesn't have room to ask for things. How ridiculous is that? I know that a lot of times, I'm just waiting for her to check in before I do more...yet I'm the one that once she asks for more feels guilty for not already having it done for her. The blog doesn't define me as a parent, I know this. She will never see the true picture of what my house is like, what parenting all of my children is like, and I know that I do the best that I can...I just wish that hearing from them didn't cause anxiety sometimes like it does. God, give me the graces to talk with the birth family and to continue praying for them. Help me not to feel anxious about anything. For You say in Phillipians 4:6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Amen