Monday, April 28, 2014
Joy and Grace
Joy and Grace came after we said our good-byes to Baby L and Little A. Joy and Grace were 3 years old and 23 months old. They kept us on our toes. They were little sweethearts but oh so full of mischief. They were all over the place all of the time. I couldn't sit down, I was always up to play referee. They quickly became part of the family though. They had a little brother who lived with another foster family and we did respite for him occasionally. We said a couple of times that we would take him as a placement so they could all be together, but it never happened. We had the girls almost 18 months and were getting ready to go to court for a jury trial to determine whether the girls were going to go home or go up for adoption. We had a family meeting to try to come up with a family placement one last time and during that meeting, one of the CPS workers asked me if we would consider adopting them. I said yes, but we supported reunification too. All the options were being put on the table and so the CPS worker let the family know that adoption with us was an option too. A couple of days later, the birthmom agreed to adoption, if we were the family that would take them. At the courtdate where they terminated the birthparents rights, I hadn't been feeling well. I thought it was just nerves. I was happy that we were getting to adopt our girls, but I was sad for birthmom too. Lots of conflicting emotions...she gave up Joy and Grace and was getting their little brother back as well as keeping her baby girl.
Fostering
We fostered 5 little ones as well as the 3 little ones that we came to adopt. Baby E we had for only 3 weeks. He was the first little one we had to say good-bye to. It ripped my heart out and I could barely talk when the transporter from CPS came to get him. He went to a friend of mom's to give mom some more time to work her case plan and find a place to live. The transporter left with him and I sobbed my heart out.
Baby D came after that and a few months into his placement his sister Little J came to live with us too. They were actually a sibling group of 4. They had an older brother that was placed with another agency, but he was with another foster family that lived on our street down the road. He walked down to visit sometimes and even spent Christmas with us. They also had an older sister that went to live with her Dad near Houston. We had a sibling visit here once and Little J loved having her here and they enjoyed being here together. Baby D and Little J stayed with us for just over a year. That good-bye was hard on all of us. Little J was so torn. She didn't want to leave us, but they were excited to go back home. Christopher and Baby D were best buds too, so I didn't know how that was going to go either. We were sad to tell them good-bye, but happy that they got to go back home with mom and dad. We wished them well!
Little A and Baby L came after that. Baby L was a failure-to-thrive baby. He was very laid back and I never had any problems getting him to take foods, even though birthmom and early intervention said they could never get him to eat. He ate every 2 hours when I first got him and he was a great eater. He was also very happy and laid back and he was just adorable. We got him growing again and he was quickly taken off the failure-to-thrive status. Little A and Cristyn didn't always get along either. I determined that I wouldn't take anymore placements that were too close to Cristyn's age again. Thankfully, they did get along sometimes and it was nice to see them have fun together. I just think that sometimes the placements get jealous that Cristyn has a close family and all the things that they wish they had at home and they start taking things out on Cristyn. It did take a toll on Cristyn though, and it's hard to see your own biological child get hurt from others that you're just trying to help. About 6 weeks into the placement, Little A wound up being placed with a friend of the family and Baby L went with Dad. That was another hard good-bye as he had come so far, yet I was happy for Dad. Little A was happy to go with the friend of the family and we wished her well.
I think each time we had to say a good-bye those little ones took a piece of our hearts with them. We still wonder about them and wonder how they are doing and they come up in conversations and we pray for them often. Probably always will...
Baby D came after that and a few months into his placement his sister Little J came to live with us too. They were actually a sibling group of 4. They had an older brother that was placed with another agency, but he was with another foster family that lived on our street down the road. He walked down to visit sometimes and even spent Christmas with us. They also had an older sister that went to live with her Dad near Houston. We had a sibling visit here once and Little J loved having her here and they enjoyed being here together. Baby D and Little J stayed with us for just over a year. That good-bye was hard on all of us. Little J was so torn. She didn't want to leave us, but they were excited to go back home. Christopher and Baby D were best buds too, so I didn't know how that was going to go either. We were sad to tell them good-bye, but happy that they got to go back home with mom and dad. We wished them well!
Little A and Baby L came after that. Baby L was a failure-to-thrive baby. He was very laid back and I never had any problems getting him to take foods, even though birthmom and early intervention said they could never get him to eat. He ate every 2 hours when I first got him and he was a great eater. He was also very happy and laid back and he was just adorable. We got him growing again and he was quickly taken off the failure-to-thrive status. Little A and Cristyn didn't always get along either. I determined that I wouldn't take anymore placements that were too close to Cristyn's age again. Thankfully, they did get along sometimes and it was nice to see them have fun together. I just think that sometimes the placements get jealous that Cristyn has a close family and all the things that they wish they had at home and they start taking things out on Cristyn. It did take a toll on Cristyn though, and it's hard to see your own biological child get hurt from others that you're just trying to help. About 6 weeks into the placement, Little A wound up being placed with a friend of the family and Baby L went with Dad. That was another hard good-bye as he had come so far, yet I was happy for Dad. Little A was happy to go with the friend of the family and we wished her well.
I think each time we had to say a good-bye those little ones took a piece of our hearts with them. We still wonder about them and wonder how they are doing and they come up in conversations and we pray for them often. Probably always will...
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
Christopher
On Memorial Day weekend in 2007, we got a call to do respite for a 13-month old little baby boy. We were thrilled to have a little baby to take care of and Cristyn couldn't wait to push him around in the stroller. We absolutely loved holding him and taking care of him. By that following Tuesday, our agency had asked us to take him as a placement. Hubby and I were beaming and Cristyn was joyously walking him around in the stroller and playing with him. We were thrilled to have a baby in the house again! Christopher had us all wrapped around his fingers. He was a little tornado of constant energy and kept us on our toes.
Over time, we had him in speech and occupational therapy and we were working on some behaviors. He could demolish a room within seconds and didn't know how to play. He wouldn't listen to the word "no." He was very strong-willed and that's putting it mildly. I thought that he'd grow out of it as he got used to boudnaries and rules.
His CPS worker came to visit him and couldn't get over the change in his demeanor. I asked her what she meant by that and she said that he was so happy and that he smiles now whereas before he would just kind of stare at her with no expression. That broke my heart. She asked us if we would consider adoption as his birthmom was going back and forth on the idea. I said that we would.
I met his birthmom a couple of months later and she brought adoption up to me. She was undecided, but she asked me if we would adopt him. I told her that yes, we would if that is what she decided.
Shortly after he turned 2, CPS started thinking about changing his plan from reunification to termination and putting him up for adoption. Birthmom just wasn't working her case plan and was doing things that were unsafe for him. That went back and forth for awhile...what a rollercoaster of emotions. Then birthmom decided that she didn't like being separated from Christopher and they talked about placing him back with her in a group home environment if she'd work her case plan. We had a court hearing and were considering hiring our own attorney to fight for him. However, his birthmom failed to show up to court or work any of her case plan. The district attorney came out to tal to us and asked us if we were considering adoption and what our intentions were. We told her that we would adopt Christopher in a heartbeat. She told us that she was going to postpone court as she only had 2/3 grounds covered to terminate birthmom's rights. We came back about a month later and once again, birthmom failed to show. She hadn't shown up to her visit that they had scheduled for her with him either...come to find out that had been her good-bye visit. They wound up putting me on the stand in court to state how he had been like after the handful of visits that he did have with birthmom. All the workers were in agreement that adoption by us was in his best interest. Termination of parental rights on his birthmom and birthdad were grated. About 6 months later, we were back in adoption court and Christopher became our son forever. He was 3 years old! God had granted us our son and I cried tears of joy!
Over time, we had him in speech and occupational therapy and we were working on some behaviors. He could demolish a room within seconds and didn't know how to play. He wouldn't listen to the word "no." He was very strong-willed and that's putting it mildly. I thought that he'd grow out of it as he got used to boudnaries and rules.
His CPS worker came to visit him and couldn't get over the change in his demeanor. I asked her what she meant by that and she said that he was so happy and that he smiles now whereas before he would just kind of stare at her with no expression. That broke my heart. She asked us if we would consider adoption as his birthmom was going back and forth on the idea. I said that we would.
I met his birthmom a couple of months later and she brought adoption up to me. She was undecided, but she asked me if we would adopt him. I told her that yes, we would if that is what she decided.
Shortly after he turned 2, CPS started thinking about changing his plan from reunification to termination and putting him up for adoption. Birthmom just wasn't working her case plan and was doing things that were unsafe for him. That went back and forth for awhile...what a rollercoaster of emotions. Then birthmom decided that she didn't like being separated from Christopher and they talked about placing him back with her in a group home environment if she'd work her case plan. We had a court hearing and were considering hiring our own attorney to fight for him. However, his birthmom failed to show up to court or work any of her case plan. The district attorney came out to tal to us and asked us if we were considering adoption and what our intentions were. We told her that we would adopt Christopher in a heartbeat. She told us that she was going to postpone court as she only had 2/3 grounds covered to terminate birthmom's rights. We came back about a month later and once again, birthmom failed to show. She hadn't shown up to her visit that they had scheduled for her with him either...come to find out that had been her good-bye visit. They wound up putting me on the stand in court to state how he had been like after the handful of visits that he did have with birthmom. All the workers were in agreement that adoption by us was in his best interest. Termination of parental rights on his birthmom and birthdad were grated. About 6 months later, we were back in adoption court and Christopher became our son forever. He was 3 years old! God had granted us our son and I cried tears of joy!
Monday, April 14, 2014
Talking about adoption and a big move...
A few months later Cristyn continued to question why she was the only child. We started to think about adoption as we wanted our children to be somewhat close in age. We started asking questions...
"Where should we adopt from?" International. We determined that we didn't think that we could handle knowing the birth families and we didn't think we could handle giving the children back if it came to that. So we decided that it was going to be international for sure. Besides, we both had family members that had been adopted from overseas. We knew if we went that route, we had family members that had walked similar paths and our children would have cousins that could relate to them too.
"Should we adopt a boy or a girl?" If we adopted from a county that allowed us to adopt 2 children at the same time, we were thinking about adopting a girl and a boy. If not, we thought a sister for Cristyn would be great.
"How are we going to do this financially?" We thought about fundraising, asking for help and trusting that God would provide if we were in His will for our family.
We wondered about lots of things, but these were just the basics.
We started looking into countries to adopt from. We got some information about Kazakhstan and then determined that wasn't going to work. I kept researching and we decided to look into Guatemala. They were making some changes to how they were doing their adoptions, but my heart was really with Guatemala. With the changes becoming more apparent over time it became obvious that God was shutting that door to that possibility as well. Our hearts hurt.
With the job market still not being the greatest in Michigan, Hubby wanted to get back to a job that he had actually gone to college for. He sat me down and said that he was looking at jobs in Texas. My parents had moved there a couple of years before our wedding, but I was fearful about tornadoes, tarantulas, and snakes. However, we decided to go for it. I put in a transfer with work. I was told that it could take awhile. 6 days later my transfer went through. A couple of weeks later, Cristyn and I drove down to Texas to find us a place to live and Hubby gave notice at his job.
God provided us with a rental house in a cute little town in Waxahachie. I worked 15 minutes down the road. 1 month after moving here, God gave Hubby his new job. He really blessed us with that opportunity and Andy was very happy with it.
Cristyn started kindergarten that fall and we had began looking into adopting from China. We went through orientation with the agency that we were going to use and started a financial plan together about how much we needed to complete each step. We were all pretty excited when news came out that changes were coming to how their adoption program was going to work. SOme rules would prevent us from adopting, however we could be grandfathered in if we got all of our paperwork in within a certain time frame. Financially it wasn't going to work and they said that the wait to be matched with a child was getting longer and longer. With that to worry about, we decided to close that door. My heart hurt even more. Cristyn really wanted a sibling at that point and we really wanted another child too.
We talked about doing IVF again, but we really didn't have peace with it. We prayed and talked to God about what was on our hearts.
One night, I couldn't sleep and went on the internet. I felt God talking to me about adoption and fostering. I just wasn't sure if I could handle the emotions of caring for hurt children and then having to give them back. I wasn't sure if Hubby would even go for it. I felt God asking me to just trust Him.
The next morning, I talked to Hubby about it and he told me to check it out. Imagine my surprise, when I searched for agencies and listerally found one 5 minutes down the road from our house. I called and they had an information session a week later. We went and found out more and got even more excited. We got the paperwork started and did the 6 weeks of training classes. We were fingerprinted and background checked and theedy sent out our reference letters. Our house was inspected by the fire and health departments and we had our home study completed. Every step was a little nerve-wracking, but led us one step closer to getting our license.
We determined that we would foster any child as long as Cristyn remained the oldest. Race and gender didn't matter to us. If they came up for adoption while we were fostering them, we would be their forever family.
"Where should we adopt from?" International. We determined that we didn't think that we could handle knowing the birth families and we didn't think we could handle giving the children back if it came to that. So we decided that it was going to be international for sure. Besides, we both had family members that had been adopted from overseas. We knew if we went that route, we had family members that had walked similar paths and our children would have cousins that could relate to them too.
"Should we adopt a boy or a girl?" If we adopted from a county that allowed us to adopt 2 children at the same time, we were thinking about adopting a girl and a boy. If not, we thought a sister for Cristyn would be great.
"How are we going to do this financially?" We thought about fundraising, asking for help and trusting that God would provide if we were in His will for our family.
We wondered about lots of things, but these were just the basics.
We started looking into countries to adopt from. We got some information about Kazakhstan and then determined that wasn't going to work. I kept researching and we decided to look into Guatemala. They were making some changes to how they were doing their adoptions, but my heart was really with Guatemala. With the changes becoming more apparent over time it became obvious that God was shutting that door to that possibility as well. Our hearts hurt.
With the job market still not being the greatest in Michigan, Hubby wanted to get back to a job that he had actually gone to college for. He sat me down and said that he was looking at jobs in Texas. My parents had moved there a couple of years before our wedding, but I was fearful about tornadoes, tarantulas, and snakes. However, we decided to go for it. I put in a transfer with work. I was told that it could take awhile. 6 days later my transfer went through. A couple of weeks later, Cristyn and I drove down to Texas to find us a place to live and Hubby gave notice at his job.
God provided us with a rental house in a cute little town in Waxahachie. I worked 15 minutes down the road. 1 month after moving here, God gave Hubby his new job. He really blessed us with that opportunity and Andy was very happy with it.
Cristyn started kindergarten that fall and we had began looking into adopting from China. We went through orientation with the agency that we were going to use and started a financial plan together about how much we needed to complete each step. We were all pretty excited when news came out that changes were coming to how their adoption program was going to work. SOme rules would prevent us from adopting, however we could be grandfathered in if we got all of our paperwork in within a certain time frame. Financially it wasn't going to work and they said that the wait to be matched with a child was getting longer and longer. With that to worry about, we decided to close that door. My heart hurt even more. Cristyn really wanted a sibling at that point and we really wanted another child too.
We talked about doing IVF again, but we really didn't have peace with it. We prayed and talked to God about what was on our hearts.
One night, I couldn't sleep and went on the internet. I felt God talking to me about adoption and fostering. I just wasn't sure if I could handle the emotions of caring for hurt children and then having to give them back. I wasn't sure if Hubby would even go for it. I felt God asking me to just trust Him.
The next morning, I talked to Hubby about it and he told me to check it out. Imagine my surprise, when I searched for agencies and listerally found one 5 minutes down the road from our house. I called and they had an information session a week later. We went and found out more and got even more excited. We got the paperwork started and did the 6 weeks of training classes. We were fingerprinted and background checked and theedy sent out our reference letters. Our house was inspected by the fire and health departments and we had our home study completed. Every step was a little nerve-wracking, but led us one step closer to getting our license.
We determined that we would foster any child as long as Cristyn remained the oldest. Race and gender didn't matter to us. If they came up for adoption while we were fostering them, we would be their forever family.
Cristyn
I decided on the advice of a friend to call the kids by their middle names and so everyone knows who I'm referring to I'm going to tell a little story about each one.
Our eldest daughter, Cristyn, was born in November of 2000 with the help of in vitro fertilization. She was born 5 weeks early due to my high blood pressure and gestational diabetes. A c-section brought relief from failure-to-progress after 36 hours of labor. I only managed to dialate to 3 centimeters in all that time. FInally, she was born and was 7 lbs 2 oz and 18 inches long. We had a little fight to get through as she wound up being transferred to another hospital and being put in NICU and I wound up being put in ICU myself due to some problems after delivery. However, we got through it and a few days later I was released and went to hold my baby girl and a few days later she was released to come home too. Just in time to celebrate her first Thanksgiving. Our little baby girl was healthy and beautiful and we were so thankful for her! God had definitely answered our prayers!
When Cristyn was just 3 months old, Hubby got laid off. We sold our house in Illinois a couple of years later and moved back to Michigan. We thought being around more family would help as Hubby continued to look for work. I went back to work when she was 3 and had to put her in daycare and it about broke my heart. It took both of us to work and we both weren't making much due to Michigan's job economy. Cristyn enjoyed daycare and she made friends there too. She started noticing though after awhile that her friends all had sisters and brothers and it brought the question of "Why don't I have a sister or a brother, Mommy?" "How come there's just me?" We had been open to life for quite awhile trusting God's timing and not knowing if I could emotionally handle the rollercoaster of infertility treatments again. We weren't sure of what to do and just gave it a little more time.
Our eldest daughter, Cristyn, was born in November of 2000 with the help of in vitro fertilization. She was born 5 weeks early due to my high blood pressure and gestational diabetes. A c-section brought relief from failure-to-progress after 36 hours of labor. I only managed to dialate to 3 centimeters in all that time. FInally, she was born and was 7 lbs 2 oz and 18 inches long. We had a little fight to get through as she wound up being transferred to another hospital and being put in NICU and I wound up being put in ICU myself due to some problems after delivery. However, we got through it and a few days later I was released and went to hold my baby girl and a few days later she was released to come home too. Just in time to celebrate her first Thanksgiving. Our little baby girl was healthy and beautiful and we were so thankful for her! God had definitely answered our prayers!
When Cristyn was just 3 months old, Hubby got laid off. We sold our house in Illinois a couple of years later and moved back to Michigan. We thought being around more family would help as Hubby continued to look for work. I went back to work when she was 3 and had to put her in daycare and it about broke my heart. It took both of us to work and we both weren't making much due to Michigan's job economy. Cristyn enjoyed daycare and she made friends there too. She started noticing though after awhile that her friends all had sisters and brothers and it brought the question of "Why don't I have a sister or a brother, Mommy?" "How come there's just me?" We had been open to life for quite awhile trusting God's timing and not knowing if I could emotionally handle the rollercoaster of infertility treatments again. We weren't sure of what to do and just gave it a little more time.
How the "us" got started....
I decided to go back and do some background so that when I refer to the kids you'll know who I'm talking about and have some info on our family.
Hubby and I got married in September of 1998. We had a little wedding in Chicago. We had both grown up in Michigan in the Grand Rapids area, but Hubby went to Chicago for college and where he had a better job market to do computer graphics. We did the long-distance relationship thing for 2 years, before I followed him to Chicago.
He proposed after the fireworks on the 4th of July in the rain while we walked back to my apartment along the lake shore on Lake Michigan. We were soaked and happy and of course I said yes!
Just a little bit of how the "us" got started....
Hubby and I got married in September of 1998. We had a little wedding in Chicago. We had both grown up in Michigan in the Grand Rapids area, but Hubby went to Chicago for college and where he had a better job market to do computer graphics. We did the long-distance relationship thing for 2 years, before I followed him to Chicago.
He proposed after the fireworks on the 4th of July in the rain while we walked back to my apartment along the lake shore on Lake Michigan. We were soaked and happy and of course I said yes!
Just a little bit of how the "us" got started....
Saturday, January 4, 2014
A new perspective...
Parenting is hard. Parenting kids with special needs due to trauma and neglect is really hard. Parenting kids with reactive attachment disorder, ADHD, oppositional defiant disorder, PTSD, pervasive developmental disorder is difficult. I can't do it alone. I've read books and read books and prayed about it and prayed about it. I love my kids and will never give up. Some days are very draining and difficult. Lots of behavior problems. Lots of learning problems. I felt God telling me a few months ago to keep bringing it to Him in prayer and He will guide me. I don't have to do everything that the books say to do...I can't physically do it all. However, I can trust God with my burdens and teach my children His ways, and He will work in their lives as well as in mine. What a relief!! So often, I try to do it myself when I just can't. I can't make them change their ways...but God can open their hearts and work in their life if I just pray with them over certain issues and show them in scripture what God says about certain things. So glad that we have a God that sees our hearts and can work in our lives. Trying to make God the first priority in every day for all of us. That is my habit that I really want to instill in all of us this year along with gratitude. Even in the hard times, I am so greatful for my family. I love each one of them and hope for the best for each one. I want to be the best wife and Mom that I can be as well, but I need God to help me along the way...and to fill in those voids when I am drained and empty. Thank you, God for being there for each one of us and for working in all of us.
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