Talking about adoption and a big move...

A few months later Cristyn continued to question why she was the only child.  We started to think about adoption as we wanted our children to be somewhat close in age.  We started asking questions...

"Where should we adopt from?"  International.  We determined that we didn't think that we could handle knowing the birth families and we didn't think we could handle giving the children back if it came to that.  So we decided that it was going to be international for sure.  Besides, we both had family members that had been adopted from overseas.  We knew if we went that route, we had family members that had walked similar paths and our children would have cousins that could relate to them too.

"Should we adopt a boy or a girl?"  If we adopted from a county that allowed us to adopt 2 children at the same time, we were thinking about adopting a girl and a boy.  If not, we thought a sister for Cristyn would be great.

"How are we going to do this financially?"  We thought about fundraising, asking for help and trusting that God would provide if we were in His will for our family.

We wondered about lots of things, but these were just the basics.

We started looking into countries to adopt from.  We got some information about Kazakhstan and then determined that wasn't going to work.  I kept researching and we decided to look into Guatemala.  They were making some changes to how they were doing their adoptions, but my heart was really with Guatemala.  With the changes becoming more apparent over time it became obvious that God was shutting that door to that possibility as well.  Our hearts hurt.

With the job market still not being the greatest in Michigan, Hubby wanted to get back to a job that he had actually gone to college for.  He sat me down and said that he was looking at jobs in Texas.  My parents had moved there a couple of years before our wedding, but I was fearful about tornadoes, tarantulas, and snakes.  However, we decided to go for it.  I put in a transfer with work.  I was told that it could take awhile.  6 days later my transfer went through.  A couple of weeks later, Cristyn and I drove down to Texas to find us a place to live and Hubby gave notice at his job.

God provided us with a rental house in a cute little town in Waxahachie.  I worked 15 minutes down the road.  1 month after moving here, God gave Hubby his new job.  He really blessed us with that opportunity and Andy was very happy with it.

Cristyn started kindergarten that fall and we had began looking into adopting from China.  We went through orientation with the agency that we were going to use and started a financial plan together about how much we needed to complete each step.  We were all pretty excited when news came out that changes were coming to how their adoption program was going to work.  SOme rules would prevent us from adopting, however we could be grandfathered in if we got all of our paperwork in within a certain time frame.  Financially it wasn't going to work and they said that the wait to be matched with a child was getting longer and longer.  With that to worry about, we decided to close that door.  My heart hurt even more.  Cristyn really wanted a sibling at that point and we really wanted another child too.

We talked about doing IVF again, but we really didn't have peace with it.  We prayed and talked to God about what was on our hearts.

One night, I couldn't sleep and went on the internet.  I felt God talking to me about adoption and fostering.  I just wasn't sure if I could handle the emotions of caring for hurt children and then having to give them back.  I wasn't sure if Hubby would even go for it.  I felt God asking me to just trust Him.

The next morning, I talked to Hubby about it and he told me to check it out.  Imagine my surprise, when I searched for agencies and listerally found one 5 minutes down the road from our house.  I called and they had an information session a week later.  We went and found out more and got even more excited.  We got the paperwork started and did the 6 weeks of training classes.  We were fingerprinted and background checked and theedy sent out our reference letters.  Our house was inspected by the fire and health departments and we had our home study completed.  Every step was a little nerve-wracking, but led us one step closer to getting our license.

We determined that we would foster any child as long as Cristyn remained the oldest.  Race and gender didn't matter to us.  If they came up for adoption while we were fostering them, we would be their forever family.

Cristyn

I decided on the advice of a friend to call the kids by their middle names and so everyone knows who I'm referring to I'm going to tell a little story about each one.

Our eldest daughter, Cristyn, was born in November of 2000 with the help of in vitro fertilization.  She was born 5 weeks early due to my high blood pressure and gestational diabetes.  A c-section brought relief from failure-to-progress after 36 hours of labor.  I only managed to dialate to 3 centimeters in all that time.  FInally, she was born and was 7 lbs 2 oz and 18 inches long.  We had a little fight to get through as she wound up being transferred to another hospital and being put in NICU and I wound up being put in ICU myself due to some problems after delivery.  However, we got through it and a few days later I was released and went to hold my baby girl and a few days later she was released to come home too.  Just in time to celebrate her first Thanksgiving.  Our little baby girl was healthy and beautiful and we were so thankful for her!  God had definitely answered our prayers!

When Cristyn was just 3 months old, Hubby got laid off.  We sold our house in Illinois a couple of years later and moved back to Michigan.  We thought being around more family would help as Hubby continued to look for work.  I went back to work when she was 3 and had to put her in daycare and it about broke my heart.  It took both of us to work and we both weren't making much due to Michigan's job economy.  Cristyn enjoyed daycare and she made friends there too.  She started noticing though after awhile that her friends all had sisters and brothers and it brought the question of "Why don't I have a sister or a brother, Mommy?"  "How come there's just me?"  We had been open to life for quite awhile trusting God's timing and not knowing if I could emotionally handle the rollercoaster of infertility treatments again.  We weren't sure of what to do and just gave it a little more time.

How the "us" got started....

I decided to go back and do some background so that when I refer to the kids you'll know who I'm talking about and have some info on our family.

Hubby and I got married in September of 1998.  We had a little wedding in Chicago.  We had both grown up in Michigan in the Grand Rapids area, but Hubby went to Chicago for college and where he had a better job market to do computer graphics.  We did the long-distance relationship thing for 2 years, before I followed him to Chicago.

He proposed after the fireworks on the 4th of July in the rain while we walked back to my apartment along the lake shore on Lake Michigan.  We were soaked and happy and of course I said yes!

Just a little bit of how the "us" got started....

A new perspective...

Parenting is hard.  Parenting kids with special needs due to trauma and neglect  is really hard.  Parenting kids with reactive attachment disorder, ADHD, oppositional defiant disorder, PTSD, pervasive developmental disorder is difficult.  I can't do it alone.  I've read books and read books and prayed about it and prayed about it.  I love my kids and will never give up.  Some days are very draining and difficult.  Lots of behavior problems.  Lots of learning problems.  I felt God telling me a few months ago to keep bringing it to Him in prayer and He will guide me.  I don't have to do everything that the books say to do...I can't physically do it all.  However, I can trust God with my burdens and teach my children His ways, and He will work in their lives as well as in mine.  What a relief!!  So often, I try to do it myself when I just can't.  I can't make them change their ways...but God can open their hearts and work in their life if I just pray with them over certain issues and show them in scripture what God says about certain things.  So glad that we have a God that sees our hearts and can work in our lives.  Trying to make God the first priority in every day for all of us.  That is my habit that I really want to instill in all of us this year along with gratitude.  Even in the hard times, I am so greatful for my family.  I love each one of them and hope for the best for each one.  I want to be the best wife and Mom that I can be as well, but I need God to help me along the way...and to fill in those voids when I am drained and empty.  Thank you, God for being there for each one of us and for working in all of us.

The juggling act...

Having kids from 11, 7, 6, 5, and 2 makes for a real juggling act sometimes.  Especially since my 3 in the middle have some special needs.  We try to do things that give each of the kids special one-on-one time, but it's still difficult sometimes.  During the week, each kid has a day of the week where it is their day to run errands with the parents if we have to go to the store or do stuff like that.  That's our special time with just that one child.  However, my 6 year old goes to therapy 2-3 times a week and the others view that at not always fair.  We're trying to juggle everything and make it as fair as possible.  However, I know too that they're not always going to see things as fair and I'm slowly accepting that is ok too.  Some of my kids have more "needs" than others and we have to address that too.  We do a lot of explaining around here on why things are the way that they are and for the most part the kids are accepting of that.  The little ones don't always think it's fair that my oldest gets to do the things that she does, but that's just a perk of being older or sometimes I go out with her so that we can focus on "big girl" talks that the little ones aren't ready for.  That type of thing.  And of course, the baby gets attention because she's the baby.   My 7-year-old asked me the other day when we were going to go back to doing certain things with me and I was surprised to find that she missed doing the theraplay attachment games that we were doing.  I told her that we could start doing that again next week.  We try to have a family game night and a family movie night during the week too so that we're still bonding as a family and the kids have family nights to look forward too as well.  But, I am finding that they like their time that is set aside especially for them as well.  We're not always perfect with it...there are some times where we just go with the flow as lots is going on during the week, but we really try to make it where they have their own special day of the week and where we're doing our family themed nights as well.  There are of course times where Andy and I need time to ourselves too or to do our own things as well so we don't burn out either.  It's all a juggling act balancing 5 kids...2 bios and 3 adopted...2 without special needs and 3 with...but I'm also learning that God helps me to balance it all when I let Him guide me too.  Things go so much easier when I just let Him lead me and fill me up.  And I love it when I hear affirmations from my kids that they appreciate their own special time with us and time with our family too.  It can get out of balance sometimes, but God is good at helping me balance it back out when I just listen to Him.

God, thank You so much for helping me in this juggling act and thank You for filling me back up when I need You so that I have it "inside" to give back to my children and family.  Thank You for guiding me in my parenting journey and for helping me to help my children each feel special and unique and to enjoy our time together.  Amen

Presence

As my son continues to throw temper tantrums and get angry about things, I have discovered the power of just being present.  He is triggered by things every few minutes.  With the help of neurofeedback, he is starting to be able to not fall into a rage over every little thing and he'll let me remind him that he's in charge of his behavior.  If he starts kicking and banging and screaming, that's a sign to me that he needs some extra help in regulating himself and I will go sit with him until he's calm.  Once he's calm, we talk about things and address his feelings and we talk it through.  I forget sometimes just how powerful it is to my kids just in me being there.  They don't always like it, but they don't want me to go far either.  And sometimes they are even able to tell me afterwards that they just like me to be there.  Sometimes while they are throwing their fit, I choose to lift them up to the Lord and to ask for help with their behavior, not only for them, but sometimes for me too.

Lord, just like You are always present for us, help me always to be present for my children too.  Amen.

Respite

My husband and I haven't always had respite available.  We've tended to be more along the lines of really just relying on one another.  Anyone who has stepped up and helped usually burns out with my son and they no longer help.   I was posting on a trauma mom board about the fact that we were thinking about hiring in some therapeutic babysitters to help on a rotating schedule so that we weren't burning out our help that was willing.  I had no idea where to turn to find resources.  It's just another form of stress added to what we are dealing with every day to search for help.  But, another Mama said to me and it's so true the more and more that I think about it..."if our help is burning out and we're the ones that have them 24/7...can you just think how much we really NEED our respite?"  I will admit that I'm more than ready for school to start in a little over 2 1/2 weeks.  I am fried.  That's how summers usually roll though...June goes ok, July they start going downhill...and August is a really hard month and they go back to school at the end of the month.  So, I've decided to check with our local Christian university to see if they have any psych or teaching majors that would like to learn and get experience with our kids and maybe that will help us get some help and we won't be burning out just one person.  We've had to ask for help quite a bit lately while we've gotten our son started with his neurofeedback therapy and have been traveling an hour and a half each way three times a week.  We'll be able to cut that down to 2 times a week in a few weeks.  I know our kids can be draining.  I am starting to get after doing this for the past 5 years with barely any help or time away for just my husband and I too that we need time out together to work on our marriage as well.  So, we are going to reach out and humble ourselves and try to get some more resources of willing participants to help us.

Lord, we ask for Your guidance for some "perfect fits" for helpers for our family.  We ask for Christians who are willing to learn about our family and not cast judgment for behaviors that they see among our kids or being judgmental in the ways that we parent or ask them to treat behaviors which maybe they won't agree with.  We ask that they will find favor with our kids and that they will enjoy helping our family as well.  Also, I put the worry over having to pay for it all as well on top of everything else that we're having to pay for lately, into Your hands and trust that You will provide for us.  I also ask for help and guidance for any parent reading here that needs help finding some respite care as well.  It's hard to let our guards down sometimes and be willing to trust others with our precious gifts.  Amen